Adoption had been at the back of my mind for years. The idea was always there but never populated with too much detail. Then I moved back home from living in Cardiff for many years and bought a house. I made the decision to go ahead pretty quickly.

I phoned my local authority and they invited me to an information evening. I gave them all my details, phone number, mobile, work number, work email and home email.  In no time at all the evening came around: a dark, cold, windy, rainy late November night. I arrived at the hotel, full of anticipation and quite anxious.

I went into reception and…….it had been cancelled.  Not a great start to this life changing decision.  I rang them next day but there was no apology and then a few days later a letter arrived explaining that I had not understood the literature they had sent and they could cancel at any time if not enough people confirmed attendance.  It was a real anti climax but it made me think a bit more about the type of agency I wanted to take me through the adoption process.  I realised I wanted one I could trust and rely upon to help me make important decisions about my future…..and the future of any child I might adopt.

A few weeks later I went on the internet and looked at some independent and voluntary organisations and I emailed Action for Children.  Next day they emailed me back saying someone would be in touch.  The same day I got a phone call and they took some details saying a social worker would be contacting me soon but because it was close to Christmas nothing would really happen until January.

A few days later a social worker rang me and asked could he visit?  He lived in my area and offered to drop by on his way home from work to have a chat.  If all went OK he would recommend that I be put forward to apply.  I opened the door that evening to a friendly looking chap and he introduced himself as Dave.  We chatted and he asked what age of child I was hoping to adopt, why I wanted to do it, what experience of children did I have and loads more.  Before he left he said he would recommend to the project manager that I begin the process.  I got a letter confirming this a few days later and he rang again to make an appointment for early January when we would begin the assessment process.

This evening I was helping my youngest son with his army cadet uniform and it made me think about the first time I saw my two sons.  I went to their foster carer’s house and they were in the kitchen.  J was half hidden, standing under a breakfast bench and M was sat on top of a high bench at the other end of the kitchen.  One had huge brown eyes and the other big blue eyes.  They were both blond and small despite being 6 and 7 years old.  They were staring at me, a little bit scared and a lot interested.  I was the most nervous I had ever been and have ever been since.  I kept thinking what if they don’t like me?!

There has been a lot of press recently about the adoption process being too long and too demanding.  That we should make it easier for people to adopt as there are so many children waiting.  Well, as someone who has been through it I think it is just about right.  It is incredibly intrusive and sometimes a little upsetting but on the whole the children are very vulnerable and social workers need to be totally sure that once a ‘forever mummy’, ‘forever daddy’ or both have been found they really will be forever.

The process of assessing me started in January and lasted 6 months.  I saw Dave about every two weeks.  He gave me ‘homework’.  Each meeting we talked about something different but always about me: my past, my beliefs, my attitudes, my approaches to problems, my childhood and my friends to mention just a few.  He asked of me really personal and private information, exploring my life, upturning every stone and opening every rickety old closet door exposing things that I had never told anyone.  By the end he knew me better than friends of 20 years or more.  But he was very skilled and very diplomatic.  He was sensitive about the very personal information he was asking and he was very aware of the imbalance of power that existed between us.  At the end he became an advocate, a trusted professional friend.  He wrote an extensive report on me which I got to see and make comment on.

Then another social worker visited.  She had read the report and came to ask about anything that jumped out at her from the page.  In retrospect she was ok but at the time she upset me.  She asked about my weight and if a child got into trouble would I be able to run and help in time.  I felt dreadful after that.  I talked it through with Dave and we made representation to Action for Children.  He resolved it quickly and amicably.  Looking back she was right to ask.

Through the years that I have had my children life has been both very hard and fun.  When they are not here, when they stay with uncle and aunts or grandma and granddad or go away on camps I don’t feel quite right.  I used to love silence, my own company (and I still do) but somehow ‘I’ have become ‘we’ and ‘my own company’ is now ‘our company’.  As for silence there is never any now except when they are not here and then it’s deafening.  Strange because I never realise that these changes were happening!

Once my assessment was completed and agreed by the Action for Children Manager I was invited to the Adoption Panel hearing.  Action for Children calls a panel of experts to assess applications.  They asked me questions and asked me to clarify different things.  Dave sat next to me and I got through 45 minutes of ‘interview’.  They were a good panel, very aware of my feelings and did their best to put me at ease.  I was petrified never–the-less.  My mum waited for me outside and after I came out we drove home dropping into IKEA on the way for a coffee.  I got a call from Dave just as we arrived at IKEA.  They had approved my application and would recommend me to adopt.  It was a weird feeling.  I can’t describe it.

When the boys came to live with me and started school I used to have little panic attacks every now and then.  I would suddenly panic that I had forgotten them and look desperately at the clock to make sure it wasn’t after 3.30pm.  I used to lie in bed at night and think ‘Oh my God! There are two little boys asleep in the next room…how did that happen?’

It was about September time that Dave started to look for children. I had made the decision to adopt 2.  M & J were the first children he looked at and their social worker got in touch straight away.  There are magazines to look through with pictures and blurb about children.  I didn’t feel comfortable ‘shopping’ for children so I asked Dave to identify the children for me.  The boy’s social worker visited me a home.  She was very upbeat and loud.  She clearly had a passion for her job and a lot of affection for the boys.  She talked about them very positively and wanted to know everything about me.  Luckily she thought I was the one and put my application forward to her own adoption panel.

By the beginning of February I was looking at J staring back at me from under the table and M looking on from a distance.  I knelt down and offered J a bag with some presents in it.  A teddy bear (he still has it) and a book.  He was very pleased with that and M appeared at my side to see if he had a bag too.  They were very energetic and affectionate little boys and we spent the next 2 weeks together.  Social Services rented a cottage for me and we spent every day together: walking, playing football, reading books.  One afternoon I was standing preparing tea and they were sitting behind me at the table.  I heard this little voice say ‘mum I love you’ and then another little voice ‘and me’.

It wasn’t until December that we had our formal court hearing.  The judge was very friendly and let the boys sit in his chair.  He told them ‘mum has made a promise to look after you forever, would you like that?’  Then he gave them (and all their cousins who had also come along) a teddy each and a special card with their name and date of the adoption in it.  ‘You have got to look after your new mum too.’  He told them.

That was seven years ago and since then we have had lots of difficult times.  It hasn’t been easy.  There has been the normal, usual child behaviour and some very difficult behaviour too.  But on the whole I couldn’t imagine life without them.

Adoption makes you think about what a family really is.  My mum and dad have always treated the boys in the same way that they treat all their other grandchildren.  Without them it would have been very hard.  The boys love them both very much.  So what is a family?  Our family is extensive and fluid.  The boys ‘adopt’ people they like and call them family.  Some people think it’s sweet and funny and are as generous to the boys in return and others think it’s strange and don’t really know what to say.

Our first holiday together was spent in Wales with friends.  We had had a great day and met some new people.  One in particular was a local artist; he was larger than life, lots of fun.  He took the boys and my friend’s little girl down to the stream to save some ducklings that had got separated from their mum by a small waterfall.  Then we all went to the pub for a meal and more laughter and chat.  The boys had a wonderful time.  On the way back to the cottage J & M and I were in our car and J was in the back.  He suddenly started crying and asked was he still allowed to love p and C (his birth parents).  We had a chat about love being like a gift that you give to someone: someone you choose.  They don’t have to accept it but you can still give it and it was his choice not mine who those people were.  Things got better after that, he felt less guilt.  That’s not to say he is perfect now, trouble follows him around like the ducklings in the stream followed their mum.

That’s the thing with adoption, depending on the age of the child.  I got two little people already with a past, opinions, views and feelings.  They had enough baggage for a 40 year old.  You just have to take each day at a time and accept the unexpected.  It’s not for everyone but it is just fine for the three of us.

 

 

Our lovely guest blogger kindly shared her story with us for National adoption week, and to raise awareness of adoption. You can find out more about National adoption week and the adoption process here.

 

 

 

*Names have not been published to protect the children’s identity