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A wake up call!

My wake up call wasn’t my usual beep-beep of my phone alarm telling me to get ready for the day.

Instead the beep beep of the heart monitor, the drip-drip ticking of the IV, the hussling noise of the A&E department and chatter of all of the amazing medical staff, the crisp white sheets covering the hospital bed.

This was my alarm – this was my wake up call.

Lots have asked me what happened, why I was rushed to hospital, and I’ve shared with a few but it’s almost embarrassing to share when all around me people are far worse off, much poorlier, much sicker than I am.

The pain was more than I could bear.

After having had two drug-free homebirths and once working for three days with a broken arm, and another time returning to work 4 days after a major op (stupidly,) those that know me know I’ve a very high pain threshold – but this was different.

Morphine is strong. It gives trippy visions and floaty dreams and brought instant relief to the pain. Of course at first I’d refused. ‘Ive a high pain threshold!’ I told him. The doctor reassured me it was all OK. He could see I was in pain. And so I agreed – and the relief I felt was incredible.

I slumped on the bed. Sank into the sheets. Drifted away.

I’m home now after time in hospital. The drama is over and the diagnosis is a worry but it’s a warning sign to slow down.

I thought I had a chest infection. What I actually have is an infection that has caused my Kidneys and lungs to swell hence the pain! (I didn’t even know they could do that. I certainly didn’t know it would cause pain worse than labour contractions!)

My ECG also showed I’d had a recent very mild heart attack. Like most people, I associate heart attacks with high drama like you see in an episode of Casualty! You know the scenes I mean – the clutching of the chest in awful pain while collapsing to the floor?

I was shocked. I’m still shocked. And I have to say, I’m scared.

The consultant was brilliant. He knew I wanted to know everything in detail.
He sat next to me and went through every single test – showing me each line on my ECG, each and every test is had and what it meant.

What an utterly brilliant man with a wonderful bedside manner.

Then he told me I’d need to rest. And not my idea of rest, he warned – but properly resting and taking medication until my body forgave me for burning it out or I’d be back in that hospital bed again.

I’m going to be referred to a cardiologist too but in the meantime I’m resting. Resting and bored.

I’m bored.

I’m so bored that I’m writing this post on what happened to me, (and no Lizzie and Sian – it’s not actual ‘work’ before you tell me off!)

This isn’t my usual style of writing at all! Those ‘poor me’ posts are incredibly unappealing and yet I wanted to put this into words.

I’ve skipped the gory details, I’ve not included the photos of IV drips and heart monitors, I’ve even missed the photo of the huge pair of my Nan’s pants, the going out jumpsuit and the Mickey Mouse sweater that my husband packed me in a hurry for my stay in hospital. (I’m not a granny pant hoarder by the way – I looked after my nan when she had a bad fall last year and a pair of her pants were in my knicker draw!)

This post is for me.

I wanted it on record for myself more than anyone else – so I could come back to it and remind myself that I’m human if I start to take on too much again.

I’m not a robot.

I can’t answer ALL of the 250 parenting emails each week and work from home and look after my family and run the house and travel all over the country for book signings and appointments. It’s not physically possible to do everything. And it doesn’t mean I’m failing if I can’t do it all. (I’ve been telling myself this all week and it’s starting to sink in!)

My wake up call wasn’t my usual beep beep of my phone alarm telling me to get ready for the day.

It was telling me to slow down.

 

18 Comments

  • Louise Taylor

    Bless you ! Now slow down xxx

  • Liz Burton

    How on earth did I miss this? I know you’d been in hospital but I didn’t know why.

    Now or God’s sake do as you’re told. I had a heart scare a couple of years ago and it was terrifying so I do know how you feel.

    Rest up and take care. x

    • Fi

      Thanks sugar! It’s been a bit of a drama and scary but I’ll be just fine. Am resting. Boring boring resting.

  • Claire

    Oh goodness. You have been so busy-you are amazing! So sorry and shocked to hear this. Glad you are being looked after and taking it more easy-such a scare.

    (My sister is also in hosp recovering from a big stroke which has shocked us too.)

    Take lots of care. Sending you lots of love, best wishes and hugs.

    Claire
    Xxx

    • Fi

      Oh my gosh I’m so sorry to hear that – sending positive vibes to your sister and you all xx

  • Kara

    How scary for you – hope your are actually resting and those gorgeous Hubby and kids of yours are running around and looking after you. Get well soon lovely xxx

    • Fi

      Thanks Kara! It’s a bit of a juggling situation here at the minute with Childcare and hubs work and him taking care of me. But we are managing and yes – I’m resting x

  • Lindy

    Oh how scary! Sending lots of love and hope you’re on the mend soon!

  • Shell - Camping With Style

    Wow Fi, I had no idea.

    That’s pretty scary to hear, but thank goodness it was ‘minor’ and you are still here with us.

    I absolutely think it makes sense to write a post like this, loads of people will be asking about you (like I did!) and it makes sense to direct friends here – I don’t see this as moaning or ‘oh poor me’ and it definitely doesn’t come across that way.

    2 years ago when I had what Dr’s believe was a small stroke, I was scared too. Really scared, especially while I was in hospital which happened to be 100 miles away up north away from all my friends/family as my local hospital turned me away and told me I just had a headache.

    I was terrified and after 48 hours, I was finally then admitted to hospital where I stayed for a week thanks to a concerned friend that worked there. Tests were carried out too late, so were inconclusive, so we still don’t know for sure what happened, but I know at the time I was under a lot of stress.

    As well as working full time doing silly hours in a stressful job with no respect for family life, I also had freelance businesses I was running in my ‘spare’ time, I was still coping with big recent changes to my homelife and I was constantly stressed out, not sleeping well and I was always on edge.

    Regardless of what actually happened diagnosis-wise, my body sure didn’t like what was going on, and forced an end to it.

    I’m gutted for you – I bet you are feeling scared, angry and frustrated, but i’m very happy you are technically ‘ok’ and are now resting. I wish you all the best with the cardiologist and hope this is something that can be managed long term without you having to change your life too much.

    *big Hugs* xxxxx

    • Fi

      Hi Shell! My gosh lady – you certainly had a tough time!

      This has taught me that life is very fragile – that although I believed I could go on and on doing what I was doing, I my body said ‘ha – I don’t think so!’

      I’ve just cancelled my book your and a few other events.

      This summer is about me getting better. Me getting fitter. Me being the healthiest I can be for my family.

      Thanks for your kind words xx

  • Hannah Clementson

    The body and mind has a horrificly wonderful way of telling us what we should be doing. Like snuggling on the sofa watching a film instead of answering emails and actually speaking to the friends you are with instead of checking your phone for new tweets. Last year was my wake up call and I have never felt as happy as I am this year. I have a few posts on my site just like this that I published mainly for me, that I will probably never re-read but it helped me get things into perspective whilst writing them. I hope you recuperate very quickly, although you may not know why now, everything happens for a reason and you needed this time, don’t be bored be relaxed. xx

    • Fi

      Wise words lady!

      You’re so right – as horrid as it’s all been it’s shaken me into making a change.

      Thanks sweety x

  • Sonia Constant

    Fi – this is such a heart felt post! I wish I could give you a big hug and make it all better. A mild heart attack!!!!!! You must be so frightened, you must be so gobsmacked… but you must listen. I really hope you can rest. Sorry you are bored… why not write some blog posts on how to slow down? The working mum, the busy mothers out there could do with some advice on how to start slowing it down. What to let go of first? I would definitely host an article on my blog if you wanted to and wanted something to write about in a natural way – not working way! There is a difference. You are right.

    I cannot imagine what youve been going through mentally and physically and I cannot imagine what pain you were going through – i too didnt know that your lungs and kidneys could swell up! Sounds scary. Very scary.

    Thinking of you. PS I am going to buy your book. Isla is 2 and still doesnt sleep. The monkey.

    Take care of yourself and keep your chin up. Don’t beat yourself up and keep smiling that beautiful smile of yours.

    x

    • Fi

      Sonia, thank you – such kind words and great ideas. I think as parents we often don’t have a choice to slow down until something happens. It’s easy to say yes to everything and do everything but I’ve learnt a very valuable lesson.

      • Sonia Constant

        No need to thank me. Just writing. That is, after all, what we do best :) hehe.

        Yes you have learnt a valuable lesson in the most negative way I could possibly imagine, but you seem bright and cheerful – your usual self, which is great to hear and I am glad that you are making this a positive chapter in your life.
        xx

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